Cooking for Pirates
by threeheadedmonkey
Summary: A silly little something that came to my mind as I was cooking. What would a pirate recipe book be like...The author is not to be held responsible for any damage occurred through people trying those recipes at home!
1. Sea Turtle Salad with Rum

**Sea Turtle Salad with Rum**

Ingredients:

1 medium-sized sea turtle  
1 lb sweet potatoes  
1/2 lb bananas  
1 bottle of rum  
salt, pepper

Clean the sea turtle and pry open its shell. If your knife slips and cuts you, disinfect the cut with rum. Then drink some rum against the pain. Have Ana Maria gut the turtle for you because you find the sight of sea turtle innards disgusting. Ignore all her comments about your cabin looking and smelling worse. Try not to upset her unless you really want to get slapped.  
While Ana Maria finishes cleaning and cutting up the sea turtle, peel and slice the potatoes. If you cut yourself, repeat steps 2 and 3. Peel the bananas, but keep the peels - they will come in handy the next time you're near Commodore Norrington's house! (Try not to slip on them yourself, especially when carrying a jar of dirt..)  
Ask Ana Maria if she has finished the sea turtle yet, but keep your distance. After all, she has at least one knife! Watch her roast the sea turtle slices, enjoy the smell but don't say a word unless you really feel suicidal. Hand her the bottle of rum, the sliced potatoes and peeled bananas, then slink off to the pub for a pie or some roast beef.


	2. Barbossa's Apple Pie

**Barbossa's Apple Pie  
**  
Ingredients:

2 lb apples  
½ lb raisins  
sugar  
1 bottle of rum  
l lb flour  
1 yeast cube  
1 teaspoon sugar  
warm water

First, pour a glass of rum into the pirate. Then put the flour in a bowl, crumble the yeast and mix it with the teaspoon of sugar and warm water. Let sit for fifteen minutes, or three glasses of rum, allowing the yeast to rise.  
Get up as steadily as you can and try not to spill too much while kneading the flour and yeast mixture into a nice, smooth dough, using the rest of the warm water. (Important note: Warm water should NOT be supplied by a monkey, undead or not!!!!)  
Let the dough sit for an hour, or half a bottle of rum. Peel and slice the apples in the meantime. Don't worry about eating half of them while doing that, this is why the recipe asks for TWO pounds instead of one! Keep the monkey swatter handy in case Little Jack tries any of his tricks, like stealing the apples.

After one hour, roll out the dough on a flat, clean surface. (Important note: This means, DON'T do it on Jack Sparrow's desk!!!) Put it into a pan and spread the apples and raisins on top. Sprinkle with sugar, then put it in the oven for as long as you need to finish your bottle of rum. If you're not a veteran rum drinker, and worried you might fall asleep before the cake is done, have a trusted crewmember take it out of the oven for you.

Serve hot with cream and cinnamon dusted over it. A second bottle of rum is optional.


	3. Tarte flambée à la Elizabeth Swann

_A/N: "Jack Hall" is a ballad about a chimney sweep turned robber who was hanged at Tyburn Tree in London in 1700. Apparently it was hugely popular in those days, and the tune was used for several other songs. And yes, it HAS just the right length for frying bacon : ) _

_Fly Like A Blueberry Pie, I_ did _want to do Clanker first, but the other recipe kept pushing itself into the foreground...pesky little thing!_

**Tarte flambée à la Elizabeth Swann **

Ingredients:

1 lb flour  
1 yeast cube  
some sugar  
1 teaspoon salt  
warm water  
two handfuls of bacon cubes  
2 onions  
3 tablespoons sour cream  
2 eggs  
2 handfuls grated cheese

Make a nice, smooth yeast dough from the flour, yeast, sugar, salt and warm water. (See apple pie recipe for further instructions.) Roll out the dough with a rolling pin; if Ana Maria needs it to chase someone who stole her boat, you can also use a clean bottle. Put the dough in a baking pan and let it rise for another 30 minutes.  
Meanwhile, chop the onions and fry them until they're glassy. Brandish your kitchen knife at Ragetti and Pintel trying to steal your bacon cubes and mutter "Bloody pirates" repeatedly. If they don't give up, throw a fork at Ragetti, as that should work.  
Add the bacon cubes and fry them for as long as you need to sing all the verses of that pirate song. Fight embarrassing memories rising in your brain by switching over to a song of equal length (the editor recommends "Jack Hall") halfway through it.  
When the bacon bits are done, put them and the onions in a bowl. Mix with the sour cream, egg and cheese. Spread mixture on the dough, put in the oven and bake for 30 minutes. Take the tarte flambée out of the oven, pour a bottle of rum over it and set it on fire. This will invariably burn down your kitchen as well, but who cares, it needed to be renovated anyway. Wash soot off hands and face, then ask Will if he would mind eating out tonight.


	4. Calamari à la Clanker

_A/N: Silly old me forgot to mention that the last chapter was dedicated to jaquelinelittlebird because it was she who gave me the idea. This one is for Fly Like A Blueberry Pie. Hope you like it! _

**Calamari à la Clanker**

Ingredients:

1 large squid  
2 cups of breadcrumbs  
3 eggs  
salt and pepper

Sauce:  
3 cups of yogurt  
1 sea cucumber  
2 cloves of garlic  
salt and pepper according to taste

Clean the squid, then gut it and hand the disgusting, wobbly things from inside it to Maccus, who has been eyeing them hungrily. (That guy had no culture while he was alive, and he definitely hasn't improved now that he's dead!)  
Cut the squid's body into rings and the tentacles into small cubes. Put the three eggs in a bowl and mix them. Give the shells to Maccus. (He eats almost anything – no wonder he became a shark!) Put the breadcrumbs into another bowl. Tell Maccus he can't eat the bowl, as you still need it. Roll the squid pieces in the eggs, then in the breadcrumbs, and fry them in hot vegetable oil until they're a golden brown.  
For the sauce, grate the sea cucumber (people on land would use a garden cucumber, of course, but that's boring), mix it with the yogurt, salt and pepper and serve with the fried squid bits. When Davy Jones spies you, run like hell and find a quiet corner where you can study the latest job advertisements and update your CV.


	5. Roast chicken à la Will Turner

**Roast Chicken à la Will Turner **

_Editor's Note: Unfortunately, the manuscript of this recipe has only been preserved in a very bad condition, with several large rum stains and additions in an unknown hand. A profiler we asked for advice says the unknown person most likely was an early 18th century Caribbean pirate, between 35 and 40 years of age, of medium size, questionable personal hygiene and with a great liking for rum. We have tried to restore the manuscript as well as possible, but we haven't been able to erase all the later additions. We will therefore put what we think was the original words in brackets behind the altered ones, which will be written in italics. _

_Second Editor's Note: We're pleased to announce that the Pirate Cookbook has won the Buck St John Award, which consists of a gilded cockroach on a lovely heap of kitchen litter. We would like to express our thanks to our faithful readers. Without your constant support, all this wouldn't have been possible!_

Ingredients:  
1 big _capon_ (chicken)  
2 medium-sized onions  
2 cups sweet corn  
1 egg  
1 cup breadcrumbs  
Pepper, salt and sweet paprika according to taste

Clean the _capon_ (chicken) thoroughly, then put it on a plate and set it aside. _Snip-snip_ (cut) the onions, mix them with the sweet corn, egg and breadcrumbs and stuff the (words unreadable due to large rum stain here). Season the bird with pepper, salt and sweet paprika (here the unknown hand has added "Note: Paprika does NOT keep cannibals away!" on the margin), then put it on the fire in your forge, nearly dropping the chicken and muttering something about "blacksmith's hands".  
Let the chicken roast for one hour, to pass the time you can make a nice sword in the meantime, or help your bride clean and paint the kitchen she burned down last week. Alternately, chase pirate friend armed with a pen and trying to be witty.

_A/N: This is for ThunderBenderPrincess; thank you very much for the idea! _

_The name of Buck St John comes from the Irish folk song "The Louse House at Kilkenny". Buck is the keeper of a very dubious inn, which is heavily populated with the "black cavalry", in other words, fleas. _

_A capon, by the way, is a castrated rooster. I really wonder what Captain Jack finds so funny about that...And now I promise I won't make fun of Will anymore : ) _


	6. Ragetti's Undead Monkey Stew

_Author's Note: There will be more "All about Jack Sparrow and others" in the future as well, don't worry : ) But I'm having a bit of a writer's block with these, so I'll entertain you with other silly nothings. _

_Editor's Note: No monkeys, pirates and wooden eyes were harmed in the writing of this recipe. _

**Ragetti's Undead Monkey Stew**

Ingredients:

1 undead monkey  
1 lb sweet potatoes  
1/2 lb carrots  
assorted vegetables, whatever you can find that still looks relatively edible  
2 large onions  
2 cloves of garlic  
1 spoonful cream  
salt, pepper and juniper berries according to taste

Set up the monkey trap and wait patiently. When you've caught the monkey, stuff it under your shirt and sneak into the galley because Barbossa will have your hide when he discovers what you've done. Put a heavy iron pot over the monkey, sit down on it for safety and ignore noise from within.  
Fill a pot with water that's not too green yet, put in some salt, pepper, juniper berries, and put it on the stove. While the water is heating, peel the potatoes, carrots, other vegetables and onions, cut them into small pieces and put them in the pot. Use a skimmer to fish your wooden eye out of the pot because, clumsy as you are, you've lost it again.

Carefully lift the iron pot and try to grab the monkey. Chase it through the galley if you've been too slow and let it escape. Try not to break all the pots, as the cook will definitely NOT be amused. Catch the monkey and receive a smack on the back of your head from Pintel. (And don't whine, you've deserved it.) Hand the monkey to Pintel, get your eye back and proceed.

Scrub the monkey clean and remove any loose fur. Then lift the lid of the pot, toss in the monkey and hold the lid down firmly. There's no need to stir the stew, as the monkey does that for you. After cooking for one hour, carefully lift the lid, put in the cream and put the lid back on. Ignore further noises from the monkey. Serve with the lid on, to keep your soup meat from running away. Leave the room and let your guests deal with that problem themselves. They're big, grown pirates, they can do that. Really. Trust me.


	7. Tia Dalma's Voodoo Jambalaya

_A/N: Sorry for taking so long, but I've been very busy lately and could find no time to write. Thanks to WenchesHaveMoreFun for the idea! _

_There's going to be another chapter of "All about Jack Sparrow" as well soon...it's going to be about Jack's hat. So, don't worry, sudoku and everyone else who has asked about it: )_

_In case you don't know already, the bit about the deepest circle of hell being reserved for traitors is from Dante's Divine Comedy, a philosophical and allegorical book from the late 13th/early 14th century. It seems our Captain Jack is quite the intellectual at times ; ) _

**TIA DALMA'S VOODOO JAMBALAYA  
**  
Ingredients:

1/2 pound rice  
1/2 litre broth  
1/2 pound of whatever Barbossa managed to shoot in the swamp  
some oil  
1 handful bacon bits  
1/4 pound wiggly little swamp creatures  
1 andouille (French sausage)  
1 onion  
2 green peppers  
2 cups white wine  
pepper, salt, paprika, diverse herbs

Clear a path to the stove, then try to find your pan. Yell at Barbossa if you can't find it, causing him to go outside and shoot randomly at anything that moves. If you've found the pan, put it on the stove and heat the oil. Put in the dry rice and fry them for as long as you need to chase the monkey out of your hut. Add the broth and bring to boil. Once half of the broth has evaporated, cover the pan and pull it half off the fire. Let the rice thicken for fifteen minutes, muttering "Double, double toil and trouble, fire burn and cauldron bubble" whenever you stir it. Ignore gay-looking pirate making remarks about you quoting Shakespeare, or tell him if _he_ quotes the Divine Comedy, _you_ are entitled to quoting from Macbeth. If said gay-looking pirate keeps being annoying, hit him with the andouille until he leaves.

Put rice into a clean bowl (NOT into a jar of dirt), then heat some more oil in the pan. Fry the onions, then add wiggly swamp creatures and bacon bits. Be nice to Barbossa, who has just returned, and take whatever he shot in the swamp, clean it, cut it up enough to fit into your pan, and fry it as well. Put formerly-wiggly bits of dead animal into the same bowl as your rice. Heat some more oil, then fry onion and green peppers. Add the rice and meat, heat and open the wine bottle. Discover that someone who just happens to look like a pirate has drunk it all up, burped and declared that the grape juice was nice, but a bit bland. Throw empty bottle at pirate, make mental note to make a voodoo doll of him later, then try to find a substitute. If you don't find any, just add the spices and herbs, heat for another five minutes, then serve hot with some slaps and white bread.


	8. Norrington's Gingerbread Men

_A/N: It's a pity the Christmas tree wasn't invented yet, I'm sure the gingerbread pirates would have looked nice on it : ) _

_This is for jaquelinelittlebird and sudoku, who made some inspiring suggestions. Thank you! _

_On board a ship, soldiers and sailors spent a lot of time chiselling away the rust on the cannonballs, so they wouldn't jam the cannon in an emergency, causing all sorts of nasty accidents. _

**Ingredients:  
**

1 cup vegetable shortening  
1 cup sugar  
1 cup dark molasses  
1 large stick

Melt these three items in a pot over low heat. Use large stick to chase away pirates and harbour scum attracted by the smell of the molasses. If they don't go away, tell Gillette to hang a few at your front porch, as that should work. If Gillette refuses to do that, threaten him with ruining his emerging razor business.

Remove from heat and stir in:  
1 teaspoon baking soda  
1/2 teaspoon salt  
1 teaspoon ginger  
1 teaspoon nutmeg  
1 teaspoon cinnamon

Then stir in 4-4 1/2 cups of flour, 1 cup at a time. Roll the dough into a ball the size of a cannonball, but refrain from trying to remove the rust from it. Cannonballs DO rust, and keeping them clean is vital, but dough balls DON'T!  
Roll out the dough ball and cut out little soldiers and pirates. Make red and white icing and use it to paint uniforms on the gingerbread soldiers. Mix the red icing with bluish grape juice to give it a nice purple colour for the gingerbread pirates. Paint their faces with it. Then put all your gingerbread men in the oven and bake them until they're a golden brown.

Put them on a grid to cool, then line the soldiers up on Gillette's desk as a little Christmas surprise. Put little hemp ropes around the necks of your gingerbread pirates and hang them on the holly-and-ivy decorations in your house. Then put on some old clothes and roll in the mud while singing:

On the fourth day of Christmas my true love gave to me  
Four flintlock muskets,  
Three flasks of powder,  
Two bags of bullets,  
And a pirate on the gallows tree.


	9. Jack Sparrow's Pirate Empanadas

**Pirate Empanadas**

Ingredients:

¾ cup butter  
1 cup very cold water  
½ teaspoon salt  
3 ½ cups flour

500 g minced beef  
1 onion, chopped  
1 green pepper, chopped  
1 tomato, chopped  
¼ cup olive oil  
1 teaspoon paprika  
1 teaspoon salt  
¼ cup olives

Knead the first four ingredients into a smooth, firm dough. Yell at Ragetti and Pintel because it's very hard to find really cold water in the Caribbean. Refuse to wear a hair net even though Elizabeth keeps insisting that you wear one. Tell her that hair nets are for eunuchs and that shed hair only gives your dough texture. Dodge slap and plug ears against harangue from Elizabeth. Try to pretend you haven't lost any of your rings while kneading the dough; to that purpose, distract Elizabeth by putting up a bottle of rum and placing a flint and steel temptingly close to it. Put the dough in a cool place, and do NOT!!! follow Elizabeth's suggestions about the place where the sun doesn't shine.

Put the olive oil in the pan and heat it. Fry the meat until it's nice and brown. (Note: Black is the wrong colour for fried meat, no matter what Ragetti and Pintel say. They're omnivores, like sharks, so their opinion doesn't count.)

Chop the onion, the tomato and the green pepper. If you cut your finger, be sure to disinfect with rum. Disinfection from the inside is even more important than disinfection from the outside – after all, you don't want to get blood poisoning and go through the whole messy World's End business again, do you?

Put the chopped vegetables into the pan and fry everything for twenty minutes. Sprinkle your armpits with the paprika. Pass the time by shooting at the monkey, reading a pirate fashion magazine or sending hate mail to Davy Jones. Take the pan off the fire and let its contents cool. Meanwhile, roll out the dough and cut out small circles about the size of two cursed Aztec coins. Put a heap of the filling on each of the dough circles, fold one half of the dough over the other and squeeze them shut.

Shoot at the monkey, who has just stolen the egg you were going to use for glazing your empanadas, then put them on a tray and put them in the oven. Let them bake until they're a golden brown, then share them with your crew.


	10. Giselle's and Scarlett's Slapdragon

**Giselle's and Scarlett's Slapdragon**

_Editor's Note: This is a variant of the classical party game "Snapdragon" or "Flapdragon", popular in the 16th – 19th century. A low bowl with heated brandy was placed on a table, raisins or other treats were put into it and then the brandy was set alight. The player had to fish the raisins out of the brandy and eat them, still blazing. There was a certain risk of being burnt if you didn't close your mouth quickly enough to extinguish the flames, but hey, life isn't always a bed of roses, right?_

_We know that this isn't a recipe as such but Giselle and Scarlett insist that we put it in the book. _

Ingredients:

1 pirate (preferably Jack Sparrow)  
1 low bowl  
1 handful of raisins  
1 bottle of rum

Lure the pirate into a pub and make him sit down at a table. Put the bowl before him and fill it with rum. Put in some of the raisins, but not too many, to make things more difficult for him. Tell him he has to fish them out of the rum, but don't tell him there will be a catch. Slap him whenever he tries to fish out and eat a raisin, ignoring his protestations that he hasn't deserved that. Tell him it's his fault if he's getting too slow to dodge your slaps and that he shouldn't be playing this game if he isn't up to it.

When the whining gets too much, take the bowl and the rum, get some apples instead of raisins and adjourn to Barbossa's favourite pub.


	11. Mr Gibbs' Pork Chops

_Author's Note: ThunderBenderPrincess and jacquelinelittlebird, here are your Gibbs Pork Chops at last. I hope you like them: )_

_Editor's Note: No pigs or pirates were harmed for the writing of this chapter. The writing was supervised by PETP (People for Ethical Treatment of Pirates/Pigs). The monkey got swatted once, though. But he deserved it.  
_

**Mr. Gibbs' Pork Chops**

You need:  
1 pig  
1 butcher's cleaver  
3 large onions  
1 pint of cream  
pepper and salt  
1 lump of tofu

Take the butcher's cleaver and go to the pigsty. Take a swig from your leather bottle for courage. Offer another one to the pig. Tie a rope round the pig's neck and lead it outside. Lift the butcher's cleaver and plan to knock down the pig. Try to resist sad piggy eyes. Struggle with yourself for several minutes, then drop the cleaver and untie the pig, patting its back and apologising profusely.

Put a pan with some vegetable oil on the fire. Peel the onions and cut them into small bits. Fry them until they're glassy, then add the sliced tofu. Shoo away Mr. Cotton's parrot before he poops in your pan, and keep an eye on the monkey.

Season with salt and pepper, then fry on both sides. Make a sauce with the cream and more salt and pepper while taking a few more swigs from your bottle. (Remember: Cooking while you're sober is bad luck!!!)

Sit down on the porch with the pig, share the tofu "chops" with it, have a nice chat and enjoy the sunset.


End file.
